well i have hella shit to do so i’ll probably be up till 2 or something but ugh basially idk like i do like him? but then like later i think like wait…i dont? so confusing..because i was going to ask him how he is but then i know after i ask him hes going to ask me how i am but idk what i’m going to tell him like do i tell him how i really feel? or just be like oh i’m fine? blahhhh idk..so tired my eyes are dry..but i have so much shit to do.goodnighttt

well i do water polo and i’m trying to get rl to do it…idk i really want him to it..but idk why..its just like nice if he did do it because i would see him like everyday and at like tournaments but hes not doing it which is fustrating me! ugh and hes saying that he might not do swimming…which is totally stupid so yeah. he should just do it so he can stay in shape for swimming because i know he’ll end up doing it…i think i’m talking to him tonight..not planning on getting back togethe ror anything but like to see how he’s feeling..like is he over it or yeah..its fustrating because i think i want to be with him but he might be over it..or it seems like it. i want to hang out with him too…but idk when i might ask him to this weekend or even during thanksgiving break..i miss him…

yeah..well basically we started to have a thing at the end of swim season lol because we both swim and he asked me out on my birthday and yeah then we were with eachother for about like 2 months? and then we broke up and then got back together a week later. well i broke up with him because i wasnt sure if i still liked him. and i mean i cant control that! well at that time i thought i didnt like him..or idk maybe i got used to the feeling of me liking him that i couldnt really tell anymore? but yeah..oh man he’s basically perfect..hes smart, hes cute, i can trust him, i was his first serious girlfriend so he’s never done anything with other girls, he was willing to wait however long it would take for me to be ready to do stuff, he treated me so nice, hes just like such a nice person, friends with everyone…but idk..this seems kind of mean but it wasnt really fun..and like i just hated having to worry about doing anything with him..now its been about like 1 month since we broke up and idk..we’re friends we talk all the time on aim but yeah. i want to hang out with him :/ but yeah..idk i think i realized today that i’ve been kind of mean to my parents…i think being with him made me happier you know? i mean i’m happy sometimes but like i feel like maybe being with him made me happy like all the time without me even knowing it. i think he made me a better person too. i want to be with him but idk if hes over it or not..but i mean when i think i want to get back with him i think of like reasons why it didnt really work out and then i think i dont want to get back with him. but like the part like “doing stuff” if i just give that time then that should just come along. and like me not having any fun..that’s kind of my problem right? because if i want to have fun then i’ll have fun! i should be able to make it work. and then also i think about college….he applied to like everywhere freaking far away. so like that would be bad..its hard to explain i always want him in my life right? like i can’t stand the idea that he’s going to go away to college and were going to stop talking because its not like were going out and when you go to college you kind of stop talking to your old friends and make new friends. i’m scared i wont meet someone as great as him. like hes the type of person i can imagine staying together with him forever. does that mean i love him? because if you knew who i was lol i think like its a pretty stong word. sometimes i think whats so great about me..i think i’m probably one of the most confusing girls you could meet..like idk what i want..well i mean i’m pretty sure i want to be with him but i think its too late. when i said maybe we should just like be friends instead of starting over because it was getting a little better for us. idk if its getting better. or it got as better as it could? like i’m always going to be stuck at this point. i’m always going to have feelings for him. if i dont say goodnight to him it feels incomplete. if i dont talk to him at all, thats all i can think about all day. is it too late?

sooo yeah i guess this is my first post lol. i’m not exactly sure why i got it but i guess it would be nice to have a blog? lol is this what this is? well i guess its also like an online diary? lol i mean i have a diary but yeah this is easier i guess lol. also lol no one knows who i am so i can write what i think what i’m feeling..anything pretty much? yeah i don’t know what you’re supposed to say or how your supposed to blog so i’ll just do it my own way? and if i’m doing this right then cool i guess lol